Posted on by Quirin

Today is a New Day

I have let this site lay fallow for many years.  So much was going on with the site itself (spammers, hackers) and with my personal life (too much of everything “bad”), that there was just no time or peace of mind to work on it.  I finally decided the stand-alone software I was using was not doing the job at protecting the site that I wanted (had to trash the forums, before I trashed the whole site, because 90% of the membership was fake accounts, and I could not tell them apart from the few real ones).  Now I am on WordPress, with a Premium account, which says it works to keep spam and hackers at bay.  I am certainly hoping so.

Since my site is a blog, and there was nothing that could be transferred over, this will be a work in progress for a while.  That’s cool.  I plan to get back on track with writing a little bit every day.  Or most days, in any case (who can really predict how EVERY day will go?).

Being that it is a blog, there will be a plethora of ideas going on here.  Some will focus on personal experience in my life, some will have to do with larger matters in the world at large.  So long as I keep my mind for a while, there is a lot of material I wish to cover.  I have linked the site to my Page on Facebook, so posts should show up there automatically, as I post them.  We’ll see how that goes.  I don’t trust much of anything until I see it, these days.

This is not – for all the name may cause you to believe – a Light and Love blog.

Oh, yes, I DO believe and practice these things in my life.  But as a writer, and as an authentic human being, I tend to be pretty straightforward in my writing, so I will rant and rave from time to time (to a purpose) and I am not afraid of cursing.  I simply do not embrace the philosophy of Pollyannaism.  So be forewarned.  LOL  Since this is not a “spiritual business”, I feel no need to wear a flawless facade to ensure I don’t insult anyone so that my profit is maximized.  You get me utterly as I am.  The people who get me will read.  Those who don’t, won’t.  All of that is OK.  I am not here to win a popularity contest or to please people.  I am here to try and discuss things that I feel are important – or at the very least, somewhat interesting.  I know from past experience that not everyone cringes when they see a “fuck” in the midst of my writing.  I am a proponent of using ALL the words at my disposal.  I don’t believe in “bad words”.

I went through a lot of really tough things in the last several years, which only served to strengthen my spiritual practice and to deepen my desire to be of service through my writing.  I am not a trained author (as you will certainly soon realize), but I am a BORN writer.  My mom used to joke that I came out of the womb with a pencil in my hand, and I have not stopped scribbling ever since.  Just, I hope, the scribbling has become more purposeful and intelligent with time.  I am on the other side of most of my personal troubles, now, relocated to a new State, with a whole new life in front of me.  While I will share things of the past for the sake of others getting to know a little about me, I will largely be focusing on the present and the future – because we are in extraordinarily difficult and amazing times, and there is much to address about them.

So, stay tuned, as I get the place up to some speed.  It’ll take a while, since I don’t want to post stuff just to post – I DO want the site to be of some actual value.  I hope you can find things here, as it grows, that will be of service to you and others.

Posted on by Quirin

And On The Spiritual Front…

So following up on my last post about how things are going with me, personally, and what I am learning about the arthritis crisis, I thought I would share what’s been going on in the spiritual for me.

I have always been a little meandering on my path, but it’s been ridiculous over the past few years. After the crisis in California that landed us in Georgia, it took some time for me to get back into my body after having ousted myself due to overwhelming stress and trauma. But once I finally got there – and things on the home front seemed well improved – creating a space wherein I could actually RELAX – I reintegrated and sought to find a sort of footing in my new environment.

What I discovered, as I redefined the forward motion through my spiritual journey, was that I had hit upon a space where nothing I had practiced or “learned” was working for me, anymore. What I mean by that is, through years of worldwide turmoil and the revelation of so many people whom I had previously greatly admired being “on the wrong side of the equation” for me, I became pretty disconnected from any “system”. I’d already been through a few things that made me dismiss most of the “groups” I’d attempted to belong to, but I didn’t expect the entire rewiring of how I actually viewed Spirit, itself. I mean, it was a subtle change, but it was an impactful one.

I found myself, through most of these past few years, simply pondering my belief (fact, in my mind) that ALL systems have been corrupted. Even my beloved “New Age” community was truly not exempt, for all the endless claims of “Consciousness”. Systems, by and large, are neutral in nature. But any individual can be led astray from their core principles, and enough individuals in any given group going astray, and the entire system becomes skewed from its original intention. I won’t blather on about WHY I saw this happening in the community, but suffice it to say that conspiracy theories took hold of so many minds that they forgot what they’re really here to do. I found it deeply disorienting and discouraging. I also felt powerless in its shadow. So I opted to return to a supremely simple path that really didn’t incorporate anything other than connection to Spirit while trying to rebuild a life here.

Since our most recent crisis of both becoming unemployed 6 months ago and struggling to find ANY assistance (other than the tremendous kindness of others, and if I can’t promote my GoFundMe campaign on my own website, I don’t know where I can: My GoFundMe Campaign), and contending with a sudden onset of severe arthritis in hands, wrists, neck, knees and feet, I have been extremely focused on the pain, on the anxiety, on the sheer terror of our situation going forward. Neither of us can work at the moment. It feels like we are continually hanging off the edge of a cliff. It has been very difficult to maintain even my very basic practice. I do pray every day – not in a beseeching way, but in a way to be supported to find answers. I set out the desire and need for support from others while we are in this current set of crises. I am very fortunate that I DO have a support system, both locally and online, that has been a tremendous help over these last several months, but we all know that is not a sustainable solution of any sort. Some people have already had to pull away their support due to several factors, not the least of which is the duration of our problem.

It has been hard to maintain a positive and hopeful outlook, with what feels like a total betrayal of my body. We had vehicle issues for months, but my son helped us get that taken care of, and yet I am still not able to return to work – PHYSICALLY. I can’t even drive for that long a time, let alone do an actual job. It has been supremely demoralizing and I too often have found myself in the throes of depression and anxiety, unable to even address matters. While this is valid on the mental health front, considering all things past and present that contribute to BOTH our conditions of CPTSD, it does nothing to validate my inactions to my own MIND on days that I simply dysfunction.

I would still say that I manage to meet most days with a renewed sense of hope, because I know my hope is what has kept us going all these years. I am the Keeper of Hope around here, and I do everything I can to fulfill that hope, to find solutions, to maintain a forward trajectory. But I sure do come down hard on myself on the days I just can’t. Sometimes – just a few times over the past half a year – it’s intense, and then I have to help myself recover from THAT mental health crisis so that I can return to doing the things that will resolve our situation in some positive way.

I do spend some time on the phone with my daughter, who is a practicing Nichiren Buddhist (I chant, but would not go so far as to claim the label, myself), and who has lived enough life to be too-well informed on far too many trauma fronts and has done a great deal of work to overcome, and she tends to “unnoodle my head”, as I like to call it. Sometimes I cannot escape the “running around in circles in my mind” I get trapped in, and she magically has a way of bringing me back to Earth and refreshed with a capability to attack the problem(s) again. She is priceless in my process for being able to help me in that way. I am continually grateful for her (and for so many others who help me in so many different ways). It means so much.

But the struggle to remain present, to continue to have faith in Source and its desire for us to thrive, in a world where it seems everything is stacked against it, is HARD. Too often, despite all my “years of learning and practice”, I simply cannot FIND myself. What I am coming to realize is that this is part and parcel of the Human Experience, and that Spirit, itself, does not penalize me for my fights with myself. Realizing that – and trying to REMAIN conscious of it – is pretty important to my process.

About a month ago, I decided it was time to take up trying to rebuild this site. It is a daunting task, considering it is a lot of nothing right now, but one thing that keeps gnawing at me is that the Nichiren Buddhist chant I cherish so much (“Nam myoho renge kyo”) is all about dedicating and rededicating ourselves to the Greater Story, of making ourselves available to Source (or “God”, if that is your preference – I avoid the term for all the associations that come with it) for our life missions, our purpose, what service we are here to perform. I have known all my life that it was about writing. I have never considered myself an AUTHOR, because I have never made a dime off my writing (my daughter thinks it’s high time I change that). I always say, “Authors have to go to book signings and do interviews and a lot of peopling. Writers just write.” I do not identify with the whole “being an author” thing, because I JUST want to write… not have to be a marketing wizard and sell myself. Nonetheless, I feel CALLED to write, and to disseminate what I write. That’s why I have had this website for so many years.

I have often had the intrusive thought here recently that maybe I am having so much issue with my hands because I WON’T USE THEM for what they are meant to do. And, oddly, the act of typing is not terribly uncomfortable (besides a little wrist discomfort) and I again cannot shake the feeling that, if I write, some things will improve. At the very least, it helps my mental state. I keep too many things bottled up inside me these days, and the very act of letting off some of that pressure is healthy for me.

I am now just taking things a day at a time (as I have, for the past 6 months, really). But I am trying to remember to make my connection with Spirit one of the FIRST things I address every morning, instead of making it wait until I am in some mental or emotional quagmire in the middle of the day. Or to forget to make that connection for days, as I stew in my own soup of despair. I am finding that when I remember to REMEMBER WHO I AM, it helps a lot in how the day unfolds. Such an elementary thing to have to work so hard to retain. But when so much seems to be so inconceivably overwhelming, it’s easier than you think to lose track of oneself.

I guess, all this just to say that. I have struggled in the past. I got a reprieve for a few years, and am again in the midst of struggle. I am challenged to the ultimate extreme, some days. But returning to myself and returning to Spirit is priceless in its relief.

Posted on by Quirin

Pain and Power – Arthritis


Well, so since this shit is killing me, I have been reading a LOT about arthritis and ways to manage the pain.  While my feet and knees have been somewhat bearable – if not fully functional – my hands/wrists and my neck are in excruciating pain almost constantly.  Add that to the injured right shoulder that never wants to heal and the left one that gets strained because it’s trying to do the work for the right, and I essentially have NO upper body function without a lot of slow motion and teeth gritting, and there are a good number of things I simply cannot DO.

I joined a few FB arthritis groups, and am learning a lot about the condition. I already knew it was an autoimmune response.  That means my immune system sucks at the moment (unsurprisingly, more on that in a minute), and it’s attacking my body instead of what it’s supposed to attack.  One post in one group asked people if it just “happened overnight” (it did, for me – and I thought that was extremely weird), and HUNDREDS of people commented that yes, it did, usually following some physical or mental/emotional trauma.

I guess, for me, you could say it’s been a combination of our wretched situation with no jobs and no solution in sight (we have a GoFundMe that is helping us survive: My GoFundme Campaign – ANY contribution would be greatly and deeply appreciated), combined with the shoulder injury, as well as interpersonal crises (which have blessedly been much better, but hit a fever pitch about a month ago).  A lot of trauma all at once.

One person in a group mentioned a program they used.  I looked it up.  Expensive, so not doing it – BUT, it’s a diet protocol and supplements.  From what I am reading all over, this method helps A LOT of people.  Some, to the point of complete remission.

I had a similar crisis several years ago.  I determined at the time that I had likely become gluten intolerant (again, it happened overnight).  I would become inflamed EVERYWHERE.  I could SEE myself swelling/bloating, all over.  It was largely soft tissues (and that likely also means organs), instead of primarily joints, and left me with a severe flu ache sort of feeling.  It also drained my energy, gave me serious brain fog, and made me very depressed.  I cut gluten (mostly) from my diet, and it seemed to improve, and eventually it just went away.  It was a few years of incidents, though, and at the time I was sure it was a forever thing.

 I went back to eating whatever I liked, and have continued as such.  Well, that’s kind of inaccurate.  Since we have a very small budget for food, I am eating HORRIBLY, and not quite sure how to get onto the right diet, completely.  See, the things that cause inflammation are ALL the foods I eat right now.  Mostly red meat, when we eat meat.  Lots of processed foods (they’re cheaper).  Boxed foods.  Cereal, sandwiches, burritos, beans.  I am a lover of sweet things.  So cake – and candy when I can afford it.  Sugar is a no-no. Pancakes.  Eggs. Dairy products. (The list of inflammatory foods is quite intimidating, and leaves one with a sense of “What’s LEFT I can EAT?!”) ALL of them are contributing to the problem.  To eat better will COST MORE.

The UNDERLYING problem is a thing called “leaky gut”.  Sounds funny, but it ain’t.  And it’s likely the same thing that attacked me before.  My wonderful teacher I speak so highly of told me I had all the classic symptoms – and she would know, being a Diet Master, while supporting her immune system through 17 years of clean diet and heavily researched supplementation to keep herself alive with two active forms of cancer ravaging her body.  Back then, I started on a supplement program (to a small degree) on her advice, along with the exclusion of most gluten products from my diet.  Again, it appeared to have “solved” the issue.  And for a several years after, I ate a lot better than I do now and remained conscious of how my body was reacting to foods – and pain free, in that respect.

Leaky gut is just what it sounds like.  Tiny bits of food eaten get through the gut wall and start to create havoc in the body.  I’m not going to go through a thorough explanation of the condition, since we all have an internet and if this subject pertains to you in any way, there is loads of material on it available out there that I HIGHLY recommend you explore.  I think a LOT of us have this issue.  It’s because so many of us have such awful diets.  Especially here in America, they make it REALLY EASY to eat badly, and really expensive not to.

Anyway, I am reading all over how people have largely overcome the condition (leaky gut AND arthritis – which apparently seem to almost constantly be related) by changing their diets.  I can do this, to some degree.  My husband, who is likely also suffering with many of the same issues, since we eat the same atrocious diet, and he also has a good deal of pain, is not likely going to want to change much.  He also has Type 2 Diabetes, and has had no interest in changing his eating habits for that, either (a highly common conundrum for many Diabetics, believe it or not).  We can’t really afford to have two separate diets.  But I might be able to shift it SOME.  Fewer sandwiches (which are one of my staples in these days of lack of plenty) with better gluten free bread if I just have to have one.  Less pasta, unless gluten free.  Fewer eggs (I LOVE eggs).  Cutting way back on sugar.  More vegetables (some fruits – though have to be mindful of sugar, there).  Trying to cut out processed foods.  Even if it isn’t a perfect practice, cutting DOWN on the trigger foods should have an effect.  Of some sort.

There is also a relation to dental health. Yeah, not sure I want to talk about that. I have a mouth full of broken teeth I have no way to address.

Elements of what I am doing now – multiple-daily NSAIDS (some oral, some topical) and the turmeric component of the glucosamine supplement I take – only ADD to the problem.  NSAIDS are notorious for causing trouble with the stomach, and many people seem to be sensitive to the turmeric, as well.  Anything that negatively impacts the gut impacts the immune system.  I have KNOWN this for YEARS, but be damned if I ever remember to apply any of my knowledge to my OWN situations. ((sigh))  So, the end-game is to move towards needing less or none of that pain-relieving structure in the future.  It will, of course, be a HELL of a lot easier when I can afford to BUY FOOD, but I have to start somewhere so that I can GET to the point of obtaining a job, again.  That is the immediate end goal.

In the end, we all have some pain, physical and/or mental/emotional. But what we must remember is that we also have POWER – to affect change in our lives, which may utterly transform our lives.

There will be a follow-up post to this, discussing the spiritual aspects of this experience for me.  Just starting getting back into writing again, so it’s gonna be kind of piecemeal and disconnected, somewhat.  I will tag things for relevance, so you can read what interests you.  My hope is that I can continue to build material on this site again that is useful and insightful for others, but it’s hard to to express the expanse of things, sometimes.  So much unsaid for so long, and here I am trying to disgorge it all, to create some cohesive thing that makes sense in the larger picture. 

Posted on by Quirin

Well, it’s been a while…

So, I had the very best of intentions back in 2020, but then life happened. Seems getting back to this site never made it back onto my schedule. That’s OK. Everything in its time, right?

I have determined, finally, that I REALLY need to use the tools at my disposal to do what I can in the world. I have owned this domain for more than a decade, and yet through one nefarious event or another, I have nothing to show for it. Had to trash the original site because it was full of spam, and since then, it has proved to be difficult for me to begin to rebuild it. But, again, everything has its reasons. Things have changed a great deal since I started New Age Vision, and the vision has most definitely changed for me over time. Mostly, due to the ways the world has changed.

On the personal front, things have been variable – in extreme degrees. After a slow start here, we were able to become functional and normalized for a wonderful 3-year period. Then, all at once, things started to unravel. We are currently in personal crisis for months, but due to the lack of assistance in Georgia (where we now live), I am stepping up to regain employment to try and save us from complete ruin. Husband and I both have fairly debilitating conditions, but I am the most capable to try and find some more immediate solution. Four months of trying to obtain assistance is far too long, and my nervous system will take no more. Body cooperative or not, my mind is desperate to find the way out of our demoralizing situation.

On the New Age Vision front, I have again become overwhelmed by the great need in the world for wisdom and common sense spirituality. I will go into greater detail on what this means to me in future posts, but suffice it to say in this moment that I see a great deal of mental, emotional and spiritual imbalance that is just running amok in the world, and I cannot sit idly by while it destroys us from within. Maybe none of our efforts will mean anything in the long run – maybe madness will win out in the end – but it would be an insult to my soul to refuse to try.

I believe in these times it is vital for those teachers among us to step forward and have a voice. So many of us who have not focused on being a money-making machine – as juxtaposed to a world-changing force – have largely withdrawn from all the crazy chaos in the world. it’s almost physically painful to witness, and too often seems insurmountable in its ability to be healed. But that’s just the sort of thing the “Dark Forces” wish us to believe. It’s a lot easier to conquer a group that has just laid down and surrendered.

In any case, there is no dearth of topics to be covered. From spiritual consciousness to political mayhem to personal observations, I have a lot to say. I have sat on a lot of thoughts for a very long time, in my delusion of ineffectiveness. The thing is, I am a firm believer in “Each one, teach one”, and if we who feel the Call could simply reach out and shift one small perspective a day, we could have a tremendously positive impact on the ways things are unfolding.

So I set that intention. And so, I begin again.